LeHaxinator

The  soul churning    moan that escaped his lips.   The  sickening crunch    of the impact of his head against concrete.   The  twitching    of his spasaming body.   The  contorted way    his eyes roll around in their sockets.   This  bewitched body    is all I have left of my bestfriend.   For  the first time    in my life I feel truely     a   l   o   n   e   .

That feeling of being in control. Being in control of my action and my life. Being the one who makes the decision to cut just that bit deeper than last time. Reopening old wounds. Slicing through the vein. Tapping into the glistening stream. That feeling of bliss that comes with seeing your own blood run cherry ribbons down your arm. The control is why I keep comming back to the blade. "Stop, you're addicted," they all say. No. It's much more than an addiction, I reply. And why stop when it's the only thing that saves me?

I try for the first time, in the sanctuary of my room. I glide the blade gracefully, leaving a trail of deep crimson. The vein leaking its precious supply. I marvel at the simplicity of the act. The deep connection it leaves. The next morning, the bliss fades. And the full impact of my actions the night before takes effect. This huge burden has been heaved onto my shoulders. Leaving me feeling empty, but still bearing the weight of it. I urge to run back up into my sanctuary and care away again. A way of showing that I still have some control of myself. That I'm the one who decided to inflict the physical pain that temporarily

Life sucks. It really does. Behind every perfect girl is a fucked up turd. And I'm not perfect. Walking along, laughing with friends, with a plastered smile on my face, it hits me like a brick wall. Knocking me off my feet. Winding me. Instead of scrambling for my breath like I normally would, I scramble for my numbness and breathlessness to smother me. For Death to welcome me to him with open arms. Hoping maybe there, I can ease this burden and redeem myself for the pain I have inflicted on others. And then I come back to reality. None of my so called 'friends' notice my break down. Sometimes I wish I was either normal or complete